I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
