she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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