I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
