I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
