They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
