Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
