I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
