i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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