goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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