the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We were destined to go to rehab together
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