It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
