The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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