Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
