I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
