my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
