Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Someone shit on the floor
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
