I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
