im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
pray to the hookup gods
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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