2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
