Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
