can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
