2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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