I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
