There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
