Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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