I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
