He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
