if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
