why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
