yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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