OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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