Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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