I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
