Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
