I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
