I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
