Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
