This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
