Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
