dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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