Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
