I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
