dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
