I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
