everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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