5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
