i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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