Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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