I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
