no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
