i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
